Notes: Oh, sweet mercy, this is horible. I love this book with all my heart. How can something so lyrical be turned into...hang on, I can't bear this. In time honoured Mary-Sue Sporking Tradition, I'll just give you a sample.

Sample:

I will never forget the first time I met Henry Detamble. Never for as long as I live in this world... it almost seems like a fairytale.

I was finally in middle school, and so I had thought I was big and bad. But everything wasn't what I had expected it to be. That was a year of hardships, and my mother had gotten into a bit of trouble back in Florida, so she had lost me to my father for a while; shipped off to Chicago. I barely knew my father but nevertheless, I had to deal with a new school. Being who I was at the time, I thought I could do it all.

I walked into the building of my new school, looking like a total country bumpkin all lost. "Excuse me!?" I asked the closest person, attempting to grab their attention. But they had just looked at me like I was an idiot and walked away.

"Could you please..?" I tried asked the next person; A pretty blond with leggings and a simple t-shirt. She gave me glare and walked off just like that other person. I went through this process of people ignoring me until the bell rang and everyone disappeared, leaving me standing in the hall way... completely lost.

"Uh... Hello?" I heard a male voice behind me and I quickly spun around to see this cute guy with long brown hair. "Hi..." I said shyly "I'm so lost."

The guy just smirked slightly before speaking once again. "I can tell... Where are you trying to go?"

I sighed and pulled out my schedule. "English... room 106."

His face lit up instantly. "Oh! I am in that same class. I'll show you."

"Yay!" I said in a relieved voice. "By the way, my name is Nina Lynn Roberts..."

He smiles again, showing me some of the most AMAZING chocloate brown eyes I had ever seen. "I'm Henry Detamble, nice to meet you Nina."

I smiled back, looking delighted at my first friend. A few steps later he starting to look pale, while I on the other hand, looked concerned. "Are you ok?"

"Um... I'll be ok." He looked like he was about to hurl. "Oh!" He exclaimed as he stumbles on nothing for a moment, disappearing while leaving his clothes in a pile on the floor. I stood there gaping at the pile in shock. The classes I had to attend in school were forgotten, and about ten minutes later I was sitting on a bench, not knowing what to do.

A few minutes later I heard another loud noise near the spot where I was sitting. Scared to look, I got up slowly and went to look around the corner as carefully as I could. To my surprise I see a naked guy! My eyes widen because up until now, I had never seen anything like this...A noise came from my mouth that sounded like an eep. The ended up looking in my direction, with the same physical traits of Henry.

"Oh god..." His face completely shocked. "I...uh...I can explain!"

I blink, looking both dazed and frightened at the same time. "Uh...can you get dressed first?"

"Oh,” He pauses for a moment, looking down. “...Yeah." His cheeks flushing as he walks over to his pile of clothes, quickly pulling them on. "So...Nina." He says slowly, after getting dressed again. "I...I cant tell you the reason..."

My eyes widen even more than before. "Why not! Dude you disappear into thin air, then ten minutes later you reappear naked! And YOU can’t tell me why? I’m so going to tell everyone in school!”

The look that came to his face clearly showed how saw he was. "Sorry but they already know...I,” He sighs and then continues on. “I have an....I just..." He falls onto the bench, his head in his hands. By the looks of it he was about thirty-five years old not fifteen.

Despite the fact that I am scared, I decide to sit next to him. "Henry...just...wait I guess. I mean…I understand it’s something big, and I just met you..." I blink confused at how I’m taking this myself, but I keep talking, since I’m obviously on a roll here. "Just remember to tell me sooner or later, cause I might think I’ve lost my mind...or something...." I giggle hysterically.

He sighs again. "Well I don’t want you to worry...I have...I’m sick." He says in a sad tone.

I blink confused once again. "How so? You seem perfectly fine..." I look at him really carefully this time.

"I...I cant stay in ...time..." He continues to sigh and runs a hand through his hair, agitated.

"Like u are always late?" I snort, rolling my eyes. "Sorry Henry, but that’s life you know..."

He shook his head. "No. Remember how I disappeared?" He peers at me expectantly, and I nodded in return. "I went back in time to when I was ten. I was doing a science project and I had a talk with myself… then I found myself back here..." he sighs once more.

I blink at him, confused. "So you went to the past when you were ten? So that means you were ten again?"

"No. I was fifteen with myself at ten..." This time he sighs really loudly. "I’m a waste of space...a freak...I never have any friends..." He said, looking down embarrassed.

I barely know this boy and my heart was aching for him..."Henry...I don’t think so..." I say quietly, looking at him..

He looks up his eyes slightly red from crying. "Really? But you only just met me..."

I smiled. "Really, you are a great guy...with a gift... how could I not like you?" I stood up slowly. "But really… where is class? Cause I’m in so much trouble..."

He rolls his eyes at me. "I got it... they know about how I go... I’ll say you were with me. But really you don’t think I’m a freak?"

"No, Henry. I don’t... now lets go." I look at him again as he gets up with me. And started walking down the hall, following right behind me. I was both relived and confused at why I felt so drawn to this boy.

Well, the day has finally come where I tackle Lemony Snicket. Here goes.

Series/ Universe: The Series of Unfortunate Events.

Protagonist(s): Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire.

Eight Basic Plotlines Plotline: Fight against the forces of Evil /Saga/ Homeward Bound/ Journey of Discovery (yes, really)

Rating: Awesome. Seriously.

Most Irritating Factor: All the cloak-and-dagger, man behind the man behind the man behind the...Xanatos Roulette

Best Mitigating Factor: See above.

Plot: OK. Violet, Klaus and Sunny are orphans, heirs to an enormous fortune and in a shitload of trouble by this point. Their constant struggles against Count Olaf...you know what, why am I bothering? You either know the plotline already or you don't.

Notes: I love these books; this one's my favourite, but I really do love all of them. The mixture of cultural references, dark humour and quick wit remind you constantly that they were written at least as much for adults (or the Literary Teenager) as they were for children. The plot makes my brain hurt, the V.F.D are ridiculous and The End is both stunning and infuriating, and yet I come back to them more often than is entirely a good idea. If you haven't read them, they are worth every penny, and although the first few aren't desperately interesting (and too short for my tastes), you've got no chance of understanding the fun ones without them. Buy them for a penny plus postage and packaging on Amazon and read the lot over a weekend.

And if you hate them, they make useful gifts to children.

Now, I read this and immediately disliked it, and thought that I probably disliked the author. I then read her other work, American Wife, in one sitting on a flight to the homeland. Oh, wow, she really can write. That does not excuse this. Prep, by Curtis Sittenfeld.

Series/ Universe: N/A

Protagonist: Lee Fiora, the most miserable product of Indiana even written.

Eight Basic Plotlines Plotline: Oh, Gods. I'm classing it Homeward Bound, but it is more than a little Tragedy.

Rating: Barely Readable.

Most Irritating Factor: Lee herself.

Best Mitigating Factor: Interesting occasionally. Very occasionally.

Plot: Lee Fiora reads a brochure for the Ault school and is entranced by the idea. She promptly leaves her home, having done very little research, then mopes her way through four years of an incerdible education. 

Notes: You know what irritates me the most about this? Because of the bloody socialist government, middle-middle class people like me can't afford good educations like the one mopey Lee is receiving. Used to be clever people could win scholarships, even the ones who didn't need bursaries. Lee, who doesn't deserve such a good education, gets one anyway. Clever people who are rich enough not to qualify bursaries but too poor to afford the full price are screwed.

I hate you, Lee Fiora, with all my heart.

Eight Plotlines Plotline Category:

Comedy:  Puh-lease. If you can't work out that a comedy is one in which everything is rosy pretty much consistently, you're unfortunate.

Tragedy: The exact reverse of the above.

(It is unlikely that either of these will ever make good fiction, or, consequently, an appearance on the Review of the Week.)

Journey of Discovery: One of the most popular plots ever. In which the hero/heroine makes a journey, literally or figuratively, and learns something along the way, be it a life lesson or a good recipe for enchiladas. (Tends to be the former, but never underestimate the power of Mexican cookery.) Famous Example: The Canterbury Tales

Epic Romance: This may have another, subsidary plotline, but Epic Romance is basically literary porn, however dilute. The plot itself is a fairly self explanitory; someone falls in love with someone else. It can be unreciprocated, ridiculous, stalkerish or dull as ditchwater, but it is always the real focus of the book/show/film. Famous Example: Twilight is the avatar of this genre.

Conflicted Protagonist: In which the hero/heroine can't make up their mind about something, and spents the entire novel trying to choose. Often dull, but occaisonally perfect. Famous Example: A Gathering Light

Homeward Bound: Often considered the polar opposite of Journey of Discovery, the hero/heroine is either trying to get home or trying to find themselves a home. Famous Example: The Odyssey. (Does it get bonus points for being so obvious?) 

Saga: In which the plot revolves around the fates and fortunes of a family/ town/ other community of some description.  The protagonist-ship will often pass down through the generations, giving new characters a chance to do the same things their parents did. Famous Example: Little Women.

Fight Against the Forces of Evil: Couldn't be simpler, this one. You have a group of heros, who are fighting against a single evil baddy/an  evil corporation/ the soceity they live in/ global warming/ reality. Beware; this category tends to be rife with rebels-with-a-very-important-cause-indeed. Famous Example: Harry Potter.

There you have it. Pick it to pieces if you feel so compelled.
 

I went to go and see the Time Traveler's Wife at the movies, and was sadly disappointed. I think this may be my fault.

I know the book so well that I can quote it back-to-front (not that it strictly runs in one direction), and I have a ridiculously detailed picture in my head of what the film should have looked like, and, dammit, the producers didn't do it right at all.

OK, points in its favour:

* Eric Bana makes a surprisingly good Henry. He's nearly the real Henry. I mean, he lacks that arrogant nonchalance which book-Henry has in spades, and he is a hell of a lot more sensible, but the I thought he did pretty well.

*Loved the meadow. Loved it loved it loved it. Much better than how I imagined it.  

*Liked Alba, despite my brain's screaming that she has black hair; she was the perfect mix of precocious and sweet.

*Thought that the scene at the end was good in its own right, depite stomping on the book.

*Ben was excellent.

*I liked Lynette, although she reminded me of Lilith from Frasier.

Points against:

*I'm so sorry, Rachel McAdams, but you just aren't Clare even a little bit. Clare is laid-back and clever and good in a crisis. This Clare was angry far too much, and although Niffenegger did discuss free will a lot,  her Clare never regretted not having a choice.

*The whole debacle of Lucille's manic-depression was completely cut. That hurt. That seemed a really important part of Clare's development, that she respected Henry all the more for being so honest when her family were all lying to each  other and themselves. (I don't think it helps that the scene at Christmas where Henry and Clare go to Michigan was probably my favourite in the whole book.)

*Ingrid. Again, cut completely. I know that it was an enormous great book, but Ingrid was important, and Cecila too. We needed to see that Henry had a life pre-Clare, which you kinda miss in the film. When there's such an emphasis on time and history, missing out Ingrid is criminal.

*Watering down Henry's frostbite. No, no, no. It doesn't make sense if he can run away from Richard and Mark at the end. His feet being removed is hugely, majorly important, and it was dimmed down to him using a wheelchair for a while.

*I felt the emphasis of the film was heavily biased towards Henry, where as in the book it is biased a little towards Clare. It's a different beast entirely. 

*And Alba's hair really is the wrong color.  And so is Clare's.